The truth is stark white

There's no second line and while I know that it is early, I'm sad and ready to accept this was not our cycle after all. I think I have gotten cocky about our ability to conceive. As though conception will always happen, but a successful pregnancy might allude us. Why would it be that easy? I suppose I've heard that you are more fertile after a miscarriage and I hoped that would be the case and that being proactive and testing early would prevent another loss.

But there's no second line. No matter what light I hold it in or if I take it apart or if I test again at a different time of day...it's stark, startling white...a great white nothing that almost taunts me.

The waiting game

Well, it's our first cycle back ttc with the aid of aspirin. I've been pretty lax about my vitamins but I am serious about the aspirin. My chart looks promising. Actually, its almost a dead ringer for my last chart. Is that something that should make me happy though??? That pregnancy did not end well, but I can't help being a little excited.

In fact, here's a confession: I actually grabbed my belly yesterday and squeezed it with a little scream of joy. As though its already set in stone.

It feels arrogant though. Arrogant to assume that it will be so easy to get pregnant. Arrogant to think this will be the one that sticks.

So does it make me naive or optimistic that I believe a second line will show up on Saturday? And what will that line mean?

Why?

Why do I want another baby? As I sit here trying to get my son to sleep, I wonder how I can handle 2 kids. Mostly because tonight, like many other nights, I feel like a single parent. My husband is out dealing with work stuff, and as always, its something that could wait. I guess I am bitter because I wish he put so much time and effort into our family. He's more concerned with his co-workers issues than mine.

I suppose I'm pissed because we're out of milk. I asked him to get some and now its midnight - no husband, no milk, no sleeping toddler. Hw on earth can I do this alone?

Ovulation and Anxiety

I avoided going to get my last bloodwork until earlier this week. I had a very heavy period last week, so I assume everything will come back clear this time. I'm thankful not to have to go to through a 2 month miscarriage again. However with the return of my period, this means the return of ovulation. I'm hoping it will come at the right time this month and not be excessively late.

With ovulation looming, I feel panicky. What if the issue is with my thyroid and we don't get it corrected in time, I ovulate, get pregnant, and miscarry again? I also need to be doing the baby aspirin ( but I have no idea what that means). And while I was thinking of that, it occurred to me that when I got pregnant with James I had been taking LDA. My mother had a heart attack 2 weeks before and my husband started making us take low dose aspirin to help combat potential heart issues for myself. Anyway, I was on aspirin when I conceived and he was implanting. I can't help but find that more than a coincidence. What if it is only happy chance that I have James in my arms? Suffice it to say, I'm taking aspirin again.