How to support a grieving parent

I stumbled upon this today and thought it was an excellent resource. I've had a lot of crappy things said to me by well-meaning people. A lot of "God's plan" stuff or timing or it will happen. What a lot of people don't realize is that miscarriage and pregnancy loss is to the parents the death of a loved one. Part of the problem is that loved one was never known by anyone else, so people have a hard time relating. If you know someone who has, or is, experiencing this, these insights might help you:

Ways to Support a Grieving Parent
PLEASE . . .
Know that I need your support. I may not ask for help (I may be much too numb), but I need to know you're there.
Know that I do not expect you to make me feel better or to take away my pain. Right now no one can. I need your support, your acceptance of my need to grieve, and your willingness to live with the helplessness you'll feel.
If you haven't called because you cannot handle my grief and your helplessness, say so. I can truly understand that and I'll feel better than I would if you used excuses that made me think you didn't care.
Try to tolerate my anger if you can. It's not really you or others who anger me; it's that I lost what I loved. Please forgive my "unreasonable" outbursts. I hope you'll understand.
Don't try to stop my tears. My tears may be hard on you, but they are a healthy way for me to release some of my pain. Crying is good for me; please try to sit with me and let me cry.
Don't try to cheer me up by comparing "worse" losses. Pain is pain, and mine must be acknowledged.
Understand if I can't bear to be with your new baby or to attend a baby shower. I do wish you joy and I even feel gladness for you, but my grief cannot be suppressed.
Don't tell me that what happened must have been "God's will." Hearing that brings me no consolation right now and only adds to the spiritual confusion and isolation I feel.
Don't remind me how lucky I am to have other children or that I can try soon to have another. There is not, nor will there be, a replacement for this child

PLEASE . . .
Don't say, "It was better this way."
Don't say, "I know how you feel." No one knows that. Please ask instead how I am today, how I feel.
Offer specific help . . . a meal, a laundry done, a free hour. I'm too deeply hurt to think very far ahead.
Don't tell me to put this behind me, forget and get on with my life. This is my life. I need to grieve. I need to be me and I need not to forget but to find a way to remember in peace.
Hold me, touch me, tell me that you care, bear with me through this uncharted territory that is my grief.
Accept me in my grief and I'll always remember the healing love that you offered me

Taken from: http://www.amysangels.com/grief.htm

In media res

This is where this blog starts. I have posted for a considerable time on a well-known message board, but alas I want a little privacy and the ability to join a community of woman bloggers whom I greatly admire. So this blog starts in media res (for those non-English grad students, in the middle). I have gone back and posted the blogs starting at my first loss, so you can be aware of where this began.

They don't tell the whole story though.

I am a 26 year-old PhD student, running my own business, while taking care of my 16 month-old son. My husband and I started trying to conceive in 2006 and were blest after a few months with a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. By the time our son was 6 months old, we were talking about the next baby. By 9 months, we were being purposefully careless. Within weeks, I was having strange bleeding. It didn't take long to put two and two together. After several anguishing days, the miscarriage was confirmed. We assumed it was a fluke. We assumed it wouldn't happen again.

In June, I tested positive on a test. Blood tests revealed a very low level. It's still unclear whether it was a chemical pregnancy or leftover from April. I decided to believe it was leftover. I now question that.

We started ttc in July. My cycle ran long as it was the first real one since the miscarriage. I was disappointed not to get pg, but glad I ovulated.

In August, we took it more seriously. Our timing was perfect. I was shocked when my period came. I didn't think much about it being too short. I assumed my body was still regulating itself. For two weeks, I kept making off-hand comments about how exhausted I was to my husband. I said several times to him, my sisters, and my friends that if I didn't know better I would think I was pregnant.

I should have known then.

I was too busy.

That time of the month rolled around - time to babymake. One afternoon, after a morning date I started spotting. I knew then. The loss was confirmed two days later. We were hopeful while we waited. My numbers were higher and surely I wouldn't lose a baby the exact same way again! We were wrong.

Most doctors make you wait to do testing until 3 losses, mine seems to think there is cause for concern now. So here we are facing the unimaginable. We have a healthy toddler. We want lots of children. How can I be sad when I should be grateful for what I have? Why these pregnancies? What has changed?

These are the things I grapple with daily. I want to clarify something right now. I love my son and I am thankful for him. If he is my only child, I will never be sorry for that. But I am not ready to give up. I hope you will share this journey with me. I need all the support I can get.

To test or not to test (September 20, 2008)

Boy, I wish I was talking about good old peeing on a stick. I keep thinking that if I had listened to my neurotic urge to pee on a stick a few weeks ago, I might have saved this pregnancy. Instead I thought I got my period.

So now I am supposed to start baby aspirin and I'm on strict orders to POAS as soon as I am 10 dpo every month. The doctor just enabled my habit.

Anyway the testing we are talking about is recurrent loss testing. If my miscarriages had been different from one another, the doctor might not have offered it. They happened exactly the same way though, which is disconcerting. It seems to suggest there might be a cause. So I can either stick with the aspirin and start progesterone immediately upon a bfp and hope. Or we can be more proactive and do all the testing. If we don't get answers, it's still the aspirin and progesterone.

So what do I do? test or not test? There's still a possibility that it was just bad luck, but 2 miscarriages in 5 months that happened the exact same way will make anyone worry.

The real question though is whether or not I will have more children?

A very sad reflection (September 19, 2008)

There is a Wordsworth poem about a little girl who refuses to forget her siblings who have passed away. I hope James feels that way someday. His second sibling has left us.



The sadness is all-consuming. No one knows. No one grieves for this child. I cannot believe I will never hold two of my children.



People don't know what to say when a woman loses a pregnancy. They offer logic and religion. Perhaps because their is no funeral, no name, no legacy left on the earth, people dismiss this grief as though it can pass as quickly as the child who left too early.



I will carry them with me everyday of my life. I have 3 children.




>WE ARE SEVEN
--------A SIMPLE Child,
That lightly draws its breath,
And feels its life in every limb,
What should it know of death?
I met a little cottage Girl:
She was eight years old, she said;
Her hair was thick with many a curl
That clustered round her head.
She had a rustic, woodland air,
And she was wildly clad:
10 Her eyes were fair, and very fair;
--Her beauty made me glad.
"Sisters and brothers, little Maid,
How many may you be?"
"How many? Seven in all," she said
And wondering looked at me.
"And where are they? I pray you tell."
She answered, "Seven are we;
And two of us at Conway dwell,
And two are gone to sea.
20 "Two of us in the church-yard lie,
My sister and my brother;
And, in the church-yard cottage, I
Dwell near them with my mother."
"You say that two at Conway dwell,
And two are gone to sea,
Yet ye are seven!--I pray you tell,
Sweet Maid, how this may be."
Then did the little Maid reply,
"Seven boys and girls are we;
30 Two of us in the church-yard lie,
Beneath the church-yard tree."
"You run about, my little Maid,
Your limbs they are alive;
If two are in the church-yard laid,
Then ye are only five."
"Their graves are green, they may be seen,"
The little Maid replied,
"Twelve steps or more from my mother's door,
And they are side by side.
40 "My stockings there I often knit,
My kerchief there I hem;
And there upon the ground I sit,
And sing a song to them.
"And often after sunset, Sir,
When it is light and fair,
I take my little porringer,
And eat my supper there.
"The first that died was sister Jane;
In bed she moaning lay,
50 Till God released her of her pain;
And then she went away.
"So in the church-yard she was laid;
And, when the grass was dry,
Together round her grave we played,
My brother John and I.
"And when the ground was white with snow,
And I could run and slide,
My brother John was forced to go,
And he lies by her side."
60 "How many are you, then," said I,
"If they two are in heaven?"
Quick was the little Maid's reply,
"O Master! we are seven."
"But they are dead; those two are dead!
Their spirits are in heaven!"
'Twas throwing words away; for still
The little Maid would have her will,
And said, "Nay, we are seven!"

9 months until... (September 3, 2008)

Sorry, if you're hoping for a BFP announcement. Apparently, my uterus is on strike, but my ambition is not. DH and I made a momentous decision, I will not be going back to school after May. I'm on the WAHM-gestation plan right now. If you aren't familiar with the acronym WAHM, it stands for Work-at-home mom. In other words, I will be trying to run a business while staying home. I'm a little scared, but sooner or later I knew I would have to take the plunge and either stay home or really start caring about school.

I tried caring about school. I really did. I was trying out of a twisted sense of obligation though. My advisers are very supportive and I love them. I cannot imagine the disappointment they are going to feel when I tell them. Because, not to sound egotistical, but I am very good at academia. My would-be dissertation topic is completely original in a field where it's getting harder and harder to find new ideas. The fact is that I don't like academics. I don't want to keep working on a PhD that guarantees I will have to move across God's green earth to get a job.

I started grad school with the mistaken impression that I would have the flexibility to write and pursue other interests. Well, that is not happening. I know that if I want my company to take off I have to devote all the energy I have outside of my home life to it. So, let's hope the baby bloak is as fantastic as I think it is.

Speaking of, I entered it in a competition for home-based business as Most Innovative. If you have a moment, stop by and vote for me! It also links into my website, so you can check it out.

http://tinyurl.com/voteforbloaks



So I have 9 months to get my act together. We are doing Financial Peace University and we are going to get our debt under control! So I need to get our finances together, my company going, and my house organized! Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

Oh yeah, that other kid (August 20, 2008)

All this talk about TTC and I'm forgetting to talk about little man. Life is interesting! He's walking and into everything. If I had fantasies of a perfectly behaved child, they've been dashed. I mean, you can't reason with a 14 month-old. We're still nursing and 12 teeth later, it's a whole different experience. Now he can pull down my shirt, climb up onto my lap, and a whole bag of different breastfeeding tricks. There is nothing quite like your child crawling quietly over while you are getting dressed, standing up and latching on...My husband thinks this is the funniest thing ever and encourages all the crazy breastfeeding antics. Sometimes I miss that little nursling he once was. More and more it is becoming apparent though that breastfeeding is mommy and James connection time. He doesn't really need to nurse anymore and enjoys whole milk, but at the end of the day he wants to climb up on my lap and reconnect. He looks more and more like a little boy everyday and I know it won't be much longer, but we have had a good run.

I should be committed (August 18, 2008)

I like peeing on a stick waaaaaaaay too much. I've been a little, um, lax about taking my temp this month and holy EWCM Batman, I think I may ovulate early or at least on time! (Last month was my first full post-m/c cycle and I ovulated on day 28!). So I got a box of opks to double check and because, and I'm just being honest, I like peeing on a stick (or in this case, in a cup). I find it oddly satisfying as though I am taking one more step in achieving pregnancy. I feel this way about HPTs too. And let me tell you, it is going to be one helluva surprise when a second line pops up, because I am gradually building an immunity to my HPT psychosis by taking them as often as possible. Don't worry I had an opportunity to buy in bulk, so I can still afford gas.

Peeing on an OPK though is nice because you're guaranteed that second line. Of course, talk to me in another day or two when I'm waiting for that line to darken up.

P.S. Please don't believe a word I am saying. I am still psychotic. After all, what sane person likes to pee on sticks?

When it rains, it's a f---ing hurricane (August 15, 2008)

So we're done with our second move this summer. At least in the sense that we have everything in the house. But alas, our daycare provider crapped out on us and closed shop. I'm sooooo glad I taught a course this summer, so I would have the money to pay for daycare when we moved, so I could organize the house. Oh well. As I type, DS is clawing at the computer while chewing on a bookmark and squealing.

So on top of trying to fix up our new abode which can most affectionately be called a death-trap, we've got the kid who just learned to walk - go figure.

Now as you can imagine, we have not had sex during this time. Between trying to unpack, working, and running after a toddler, it just hasn't happened. So, quite literally, I will never get pregnant at this rate. And all this crap has me second guessing trying to have a second. How in the world will I keep up with DS while toting a newborn around?


Mostly, my dreams of staying at home and unschooling our kids seems pretty fantastical right now and that sucks. I know I'm in the process of moving, my sitter is MIA, and I'm still doing school/teaching. I won't have all that if I stay home, but we're planning to finance (I use the term we're loosely - it's mostly me) this adventure with my writing. We can't live on DH's salary alone and if I ever get my act together and work on one of the 5 books I have in the works, maybe I could do it. I just have to remind myself that I am capable and that it's worth it. It just won't happen overnight.

Step away from the sick (July 28, 2008)

Tags

attachment parenting
baby
bfp
birth
bloak
book
books
botb
breastfeeding
buisness
cloth diaper
diapers
engorgement
feeding
four months
grad school
mother
nipple confusion
parenting
poas
poop
prayer
pregnancy
pregnancy test
son
staying at home
supplementing
ttc
ttcal
WAHM
Common Tasks

Write a Blog Post
Search
Go
News

James born June 2, 2007. Our second baby lost on April 28, 2008. Our third baby was lost on Sept. 18, 2008
Archives

September 2008 (4)
August 2008 (3)
July 2008 (5)
May 2008 (6)
April 2008 (2)
March 2008 (1)
December 2007 (6)
November 2007 (5)
October 2007 (11)
September 2007 (7)
October 2006 (3)
July 2006 (17)
June 2006 (5)
December 2005 (2)
November 2005 (4)
October 2005 (1)
Step away from the stick
Posted Monday, July 28, 2008 1:23 PM

I've made a momentous decision. I've decided that until I can perfect time travel technology and go back in time to make my 20 year-old self do the whole POAS check thing, I am not allowed to pee on a stick. This may result in a baby falling out of me sometime in the near future. Because I am done with testing.

When I was 20, late for my period and took an HPT, I took it, waited the appropriate length of time, looked, no second line, threw it away, done....not pregnant.

This the ideal POAS form and the form any woman ttc has difficulty achieving.

Flash forward six years and it looks like this: pee in cup (in case you need the pee to test again on another hpt in the event of a faint line), dip pee in cup, watch pink color flow across window, set it down and walk away, determine not to look, look again thirty seconds later, set back down, walk out of room, pretend to occupy yourself with something else, go back in look at test, no second line, maybe if I hold it up to the light, maybe at an angle, is that something? looks grayish, but maybe there is color....set test down, go into other room again, go right back for test. Perhaps the lighting is off in the bathroom? Stand under skylight, hold at different angles, wish that evap line was not such an obvious evap line. Sit down, get on computer, blog about your neurosis, occasionally check stick which is next to you in case it changed its mind.

I may be a much more capable woman, mother, teacher, wife, etc now that I would have been six years ago, but damn, my twenty year-old self could pee on a stick

2ww = 2 weeks of worthless (July 23, 2008)

Thank God my LP is only 10 days, because I get nothing done during the 2ww. I have a paper to revise for publication, a book outline to get on top of, and laundry/housework/grading all piling up while I stare at my chart hoping something will change and magically indicate pregnancy.



In fact, TTC is making me worthless period. Here's a typical cycle:

Period - feel icky, want to sit around and do nothing

1-2 weeks of productivity while O is around the corner

1 week of waiting to O, and screwing like rabbits everyday

10 days of hopelessly staring at my chart

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

I mean seriously! Shouldn't this be easier? My H is releasing millions of little spermies and one of them can't get the job done. Talk about low productivity. You would think they work for the government.

The Old Nostalgia Shop (July 21, 2008)

On July 18, 2006, I wrote on this very same blog:

It's that special time of the month when I start to get hopeful and dreamy and spend a little too much time wandering onto baby websites. Will this be our month? Can the little xxies and xyies find their way home? Will the egg be put to good use? Stay tuned to find out. Same bat time. Same bat channel.



I can't believe that only 2 years later, I'm sitting here thinking the same thing. Within those 2 years, I've given birth to the most amazing little boy and felt the pain of losing a pregnancy. And despite getting pregnant twice, I'm still worried about whether I can get pregnant and now I'm worried about sustaining that pregnancy.

Those of you who have read this blog through all these changes deserve an update on more than just my reproductive endeavors though. Some of you may remember the troubles DH and I had after the baby came. I am very proud to announce that we've worked through them and he has now been sober for quite some time. The most amazing part, though, is that I truly believe he has turned a corner in his life and become the person I knew he could be if he could quit drinking.

I still run my business, but I put it on hold for the summer. It was too stressful and I associated it with the miscarriage. I will go back to work on it this summer.

And dear James, the light of our lives, is so close to walking. He just can't quite let go and to be honest, mommy doesn't mind. He amazes us everyday with the new words and new things he says and does. Yesterday, he laid his head on my shoulder and patted my back - just like I have always done to him.

I am so incredibly blessed. I want so badly to bring another baby home to love, but how can I really ask for more?

Getting back in the saddle (July 16, 2008)

There is no great way to tell friends and family you are thinking about having another baby. In fact, I'm not sure that it's any of their damn business anyway. The fact is that I like to blog though and since I have a few IRL stalkers around the joint, that's what is about to happen. We're trying to have another baby.

Nothing like announcing to everyone that you're basically f---ing like rabbits.

And it's going....well, interesting. I can't possibly hope to have the timing we had with James. I'm going to have a baby in the middle of the school year. I just know it. So I am working my ass off trying to be as productive as possible before that second line pops up and I'm dealing with morning sickness, narcolepsy, and a toddler. Gee, don't I make motherhood sound fun! But here's the thing, even though there are a million reasons to put it off another year or latch the lock on the chastity belt, I AM DYING TO BE PREGNANT.

I did not expect that. I threw up for the first 20 weeks of my first pregnancy and looked like Violet Beaureguarde sans the purple tan by the end. I warned hubby not to pull a Britney and knock me up again so soon and yet, here we are. We've safely passed the Britney mark, so at least I accomplished that.

Well, I'm off to have carnal relations.

Here we go again (July 13, 2008)

Drum roll please...



We're TTC baby #2! We've been cleared by the doctor and now we're waiting to see if my cycle is going back to normal. We're very nervous, excited, hopeful, scared....you get the picture!

Happy Madness Day (May 7, 2008)

I've been feeling very maternal lately. It tends to happen this time of year. I'm getting ready to say goodbye to two classes of students and I've found that they need me for more than a grade, they have been looking to me for guidance lately. I've had several tell me that I must be the coolest mom, because I am so open and accepting, because I talk about the things no one else will.

So I should be looking forward to Mother's Day, right? Knowing my husband's propensity to wait until the last minute, I have been reminding him of it since about 4:05 p.m.June 2, 2007.

But now that it's here, I don't care. I don't really want to celebrate. I'm meeting some friends in Chicago on Thursday and having a girls weekend. I decided to go when I broke down during a Zales commercial the weekend of my miscarriage.


The thing is - I feel like a bad mom. This is stupid, because I am a good mom. Deep down I know that. I feel guilty, though, for being sad about the miscarriage when I have a wonderful son. It's a strange place to be. I don't feel like I fit in right now with the friends who are thinking about ttc who have children, but I feel uncomfortable on the pregnancy loss boards. What right do I have to be there? I have a son. I should be thankful.

And I am thankful. I adore James, but I'm missing the other baby. It doesn't help that all those pregnancy hormones are slowly exiting the building and I'm suddenly faced with emotional shifts, break-outs, and a month-long "period." I'm having a hard time getting back to work on my business and writing papers. I'm just taking it slowly and not pushing myself.

It's just that I feel like a failure for not being able to carry the second baby and worried about what that means for the future. I'm rational and educated and I know better, but the love that comes with being a mother is very irrational. It only took a pink line to make me fall in love with that baby after all. Despite all of this, I know that no matter what I have my James in my arms and my angel in my heart, and what mother wouldn't be happy about that?

Babies on Everyone's Brains (May 5, 2008)

My friends have babies on the brain, I do not. Well, not in the same way. It's getting to that point for many of us when TTC is coming up. Most of my friends have children around James' age, and I understand the compulsion to want to think about it. I had been thinking about it a lot in the last few months as well. DH and I had joked about it. We both knew it wasn't great timing financially and professionally, but we were both ready to start thinking about #2.

And #2 came along with no planning and no trying and what would have been no stress. Not like James. It was exactly how I wanted to get pregnant the second time and then I lost the baby. Now the whole relax and let it happen plan is shot to hell.

But what's killing me is the talk of babies. Suddenly every one is talking about HPTs and temping and charts, and I'm a wreck. I love my friends. They are amazing women and they were there for me when I miscarried. But I want to scream "Stop with all the baby talk! It's killing me!" But how can I? I understand they are excited. I understand they want babies. I want another one too, but I don't begin to know when I physically and emotionally will be able to try again.


I suppose I feel left out. How stupid is that? But it's more than that. It's different than being the girl left out at recess. I can't describe it. It's feeling robbed and cheated - feeling as though I have been violated and constantly reminded of it.

I wish them all the best, but I'm not sure when I'll crack.

Mars and Venus in Loss (May 3, 2008)

I love my husband, but I'm hurt as his ability to move on so quickly. Other than to ask how I'm doing or give me a hug, he has shown no emotion about this loss. He was excited at the ER when they confirmed the pregnancy. We joked about minivans and Christmas, but once it was clear how serious the situation was, how unlikely it would be that I would keep the baby, he became reserved. When we found out for sure the baby was gone, he was more concerned for me.

He's been supportive. I shouldn't complain. And yet, part of my sorrow is that I feel so wholly alone in this grief. I don't want him to hurt and yet I want to know he's sad too. I'm not sure he is and that hurts me deeply.

I know pregnancy is different for men and women. He was never the type to hold my belly or talk to the baby in utero. He did, however, get me take-out, medicine, go to childbirth classes, clean, and take care of me. But I was always a little sad that I alone bonded with our unborn child. I longed for him to want that connection then and I wish he had wanted it with our angel. The weekend we waited for the news of the miscarriage, I ached for him to reach out to my belly. To acknowledge I was pregnant if only for a moment.

But that moment has passed. There is no child in my womb. But I loved that child and I miss that child, although he was never really mine. And I wish I could share that with someone.

She said it better than I could (May 1, 2008)

've been trying to pinpoint exactly why having a miscarriage is so hard. In my case, I didn't even know about the baby until it had already started. Sure, I was given a lot of hope by the doctors at the ER and friends, but deep down I knew the pregnancy wasn't viable. And yet, I hoped. I found out my due date (Christmas Day). I imagined how James would look at his little brother or sister.

As women, we fill our lives with what-if's and hypotheticals. We worry about the next meal, the next year, and the next decade all at the same time. For the first time in my life when I go to bed, I don't spend 30 minutes pondering that day and the next and the one after, but only because I am too tired from keeping up with James! Instead my waking hours are spent physically and mentally multi-tasking. I never stop thinking. I never stop planning.

When we went in for our follow-up sonogram, the doctor came over to the hospital to go over the results. She said some thing then that really hit the nail on the head. It really encompassed all the feelings I had been grappling with for the last week, "For women, when that second line comes up, it's not positive. It's an entire future."



That is certainly true. That's why it aches. No matter how bad the situation was last week, I still found myself pondering that future. It was unexpected and surprising, but I was ready for that future.

The problem with being rational (May 1, 2008)

s that it leads to some very irrational thoughts. We found out Friday we were having another baby, but since I had been bleeding off and on since the 12th, I tried not to get too excited. Monday, it was confirmed that we lost the baby.

I had tried not to be too hopeful or too excited. But when I had looked up my edd, I was due on Christmas and I just knew that meant I would have a Christmas miracle. I was wrong. I'm not angry at God or the doctor or my husband, mostly just mad at myself for wanting to believe it could still happen.

So I've been rationalizing it all to myself in attempt to understand why it happened. Why did I lose the baby? Why should I have hope? Why did I take the test?

So far, in no particular, irrational order, I've come up with: I lost the baby because I am still breastfeeding. I lost the baby because I am too stressed out. I lost the baby because I eat too much fast food because I am too stressed out to cook. I lost the baby because I cleaned out the cat box and ate a turkey sandwich. I lost the baby because my hormones are nuts. I lost the baby because something is wrong with me. I lost the baby because its bad timing. I lost the baby because I wasn't in tune with my body.

See how a rational mind can become very irrational when rationalizing? I mean the cat box and turkey sandwich?

Very Blue Day (April 28, 2008)

Are you familiar with the Auden poem, "Funeral Blues?"

"The Stars are not wanted now.

Put out every one.

Pack up the moon

And dismantle the sun."



That's how I feel today. We lost our little Christmas surprise.

Purgatory v. Pregnancy (April 27, 2008)

I never noticed before how similar those 2 words are. As of this moment, I am pregnant. If I'll be pregnant tomorrow is another question. I had what I assumed was my period on the 12th - 19th...sometimes heavy, giving way to spotting. Then this Tuesday I started spotting again, followed by a brownish discharge. I finally called and left a message with my doctor Thursday. She called back on Friday and told me it was just a "blip" and not to worry. Well, I had a feeling it was more than a blip, so I took a test. It was positive. I immediately began crying, assuming the worst. I called the doc back and the nurse told me to go to the ER. I need a rhogham shot, blood tests, and an ultrasound.


Long story short, I'm waiting. My hcg was only 90, but we're not sure how far a long I am. Apparently, an u/s wouldn't show anything, so I have to wait until Monday for a blood test. Hopefully my numbers will be doubling! Please keep my little bean in your prayers. He or she is due on Christmas Day if my calculations are correct!