In media res

This is where this blog starts. I have posted for a considerable time on a well-known message board, but alas I want a little privacy and the ability to join a community of woman bloggers whom I greatly admire. So this blog starts in media res (for those non-English grad students, in the middle). I have gone back and posted the blogs starting at my first loss, so you can be aware of where this began.

They don't tell the whole story though.

I am a 26 year-old PhD student, running my own business, while taking care of my 16 month-old son. My husband and I started trying to conceive in 2006 and were blest after a few months with a healthy and uneventful pregnancy. By the time our son was 6 months old, we were talking about the next baby. By 9 months, we were being purposefully careless. Within weeks, I was having strange bleeding. It didn't take long to put two and two together. After several anguishing days, the miscarriage was confirmed. We assumed it was a fluke. We assumed it wouldn't happen again.

In June, I tested positive on a test. Blood tests revealed a very low level. It's still unclear whether it was a chemical pregnancy or leftover from April. I decided to believe it was leftover. I now question that.

We started ttc in July. My cycle ran long as it was the first real one since the miscarriage. I was disappointed not to get pg, but glad I ovulated.

In August, we took it more seriously. Our timing was perfect. I was shocked when my period came. I didn't think much about it being too short. I assumed my body was still regulating itself. For two weeks, I kept making off-hand comments about how exhausted I was to my husband. I said several times to him, my sisters, and my friends that if I didn't know better I would think I was pregnant.

I should have known then.

I was too busy.

That time of the month rolled around - time to babymake. One afternoon, after a morning date I started spotting. I knew then. The loss was confirmed two days later. We were hopeful while we waited. My numbers were higher and surely I wouldn't lose a baby the exact same way again! We were wrong.

Most doctors make you wait to do testing until 3 losses, mine seems to think there is cause for concern now. So here we are facing the unimaginable. We have a healthy toddler. We want lots of children. How can I be sad when I should be grateful for what I have? Why these pregnancies? What has changed?

These are the things I grapple with daily. I want to clarify something right now. I love my son and I am thankful for him. If he is my only child, I will never be sorry for that. But I am not ready to give up. I hope you will share this journey with me. I need all the support I can get.