Happy Madness Day (May 7, 2008)

I've been feeling very maternal lately. It tends to happen this time of year. I'm getting ready to say goodbye to two classes of students and I've found that they need me for more than a grade, they have been looking to me for guidance lately. I've had several tell me that I must be the coolest mom, because I am so open and accepting, because I talk about the things no one else will.

So I should be looking forward to Mother's Day, right? Knowing my husband's propensity to wait until the last minute, I have been reminding him of it since about 4:05 p.m.June 2, 2007.

But now that it's here, I don't care. I don't really want to celebrate. I'm meeting some friends in Chicago on Thursday and having a girls weekend. I decided to go when I broke down during a Zales commercial the weekend of my miscarriage.


The thing is - I feel like a bad mom. This is stupid, because I am a good mom. Deep down I know that. I feel guilty, though, for being sad about the miscarriage when I have a wonderful son. It's a strange place to be. I don't feel like I fit in right now with the friends who are thinking about ttc who have children, but I feel uncomfortable on the pregnancy loss boards. What right do I have to be there? I have a son. I should be thankful.

And I am thankful. I adore James, but I'm missing the other baby. It doesn't help that all those pregnancy hormones are slowly exiting the building and I'm suddenly faced with emotional shifts, break-outs, and a month-long "period." I'm having a hard time getting back to work on my business and writing papers. I'm just taking it slowly and not pushing myself.

It's just that I feel like a failure for not being able to carry the second baby and worried about what that means for the future. I'm rational and educated and I know better, but the love that comes with being a mother is very irrational. It only took a pink line to make me fall in love with that baby after all. Despite all of this, I know that no matter what I have my James in my arms and my angel in my heart, and what mother wouldn't be happy about that?